Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.
*Don’t assume that guys won’t care where you are, because we do. It makes us feel secure to know that our girlfriends aren’t off flirting with guys we’ve never heard of.
*Also, don’t talk about your ex-boyfriends. We never have, nor ever will respect or like them, nor do we want to hear about them. When you do, you’re asking your boyfriend to be jealous. You’re asking your boyfriend to lose trust.
*On that, don’t hump everything that walks into the room. We don’t care if you talk to other guys. We don’t care if you’re friends with other guys. But when you’re sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. It doesn’t help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we’re still there.
*Also, when we tell you you’re pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it. Don’t tell us we’re wrong. We’ll stop trying to convince you. The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. Yeah, you can quote me.
*Don’t be mad when we hold the door open. Smile and say “thank you.” Let us pay for you. Don’t “feel bad.” We enjoy doing it. It’s expected. Smile and say - everybody together now - “thank you.”
*Kiss us when no one’s watching. If you kiss us when you know nobody’s looking we’ll be more impressed.
*You don’t have to get dressed up for us. If we’re going out with you in the first place, you don’t have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have, put on every kind of makeup you own. We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
*Don’t flirt with guys when we’re not around. We’ll find out. Trust us. We have eyes everywhere. And when we find out, we’re pissed. Not necessarily with the guys you flirted with, more-so with you.
*Don’t take everything we say seriously. Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it. Don’t get angry easily. Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
*Don’t talk about how hot Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt is in front of us. It’s boring, and we don’t care. You have girlfriends for that.
*Whatever happened to the word “handsome”? Why does everything have to be “hot/sexy”? I’d be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with “Hey handsome!” instead of “Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy” or whatever else you can think of. Claiming girls or guys to be “hot” shows immaturity.
**Girls, I cannot stress this enough: if you aren’t being treated right by a guy, don’t wait for him to change. Ditch his sorry, disgrace-to-the-male-population ass, and find someone who will treat you with utter respect. Someone who will honor your morals. Someone who will make you smile when you’re at your lowest.
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?” 2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. 3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves. 4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. 5) MEOW occasionally. 6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly 7) SAY -DING at each floor. 8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons. 9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.” 11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?” 12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone. 13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.” 14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you. 15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones. 17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?” 18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!” 19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. 20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers. 21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist. 22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap,” (and that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowena iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time)?
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what)?
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, ooh…fly Delta?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity.
A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
